I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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