sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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