so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
