When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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