obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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