How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
