Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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