In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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