Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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