I think i peed on brittanys purse
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
