I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
