My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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