Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
