i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
