And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
