i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Send help, water and tortillas.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
