i wish my penis had a tongue
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
