So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
