She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
