All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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