Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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