I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
