The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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