My friends, they love my intelligence
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
