I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Randomize
