I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
