I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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