just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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