My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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