Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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