I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
