we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
