I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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