Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
