You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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