Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
