I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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