sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
