Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
