so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
