I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
