I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
