I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
