My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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