Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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