I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
sex in a hospital.. check
Come share oat with me in your robe
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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