when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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