Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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