I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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