you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
