i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
