Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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