yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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